I am Monya Rabinovich:

I like reading, reasoning, lecturing.

I play the violin, the piano, sometimes I play on somebody’s nerves.

I consider State and Anti-Semitism unavoidable as a whether.

* * *

— Father, please tell me, what is a five-pointed star?

— The circumcised Magendowid, sonny.

* * *

Sema, you must drink this yogurt, let you die, you must get well!

* * *

Teacher at school asks Sema Rabinovich:

— What is the shape of the globe?

— Spherical.

— Prove it!

— Let it be square. I don’t insist.

* * *

— Sema! It took you two hours to take the garbage out. How can it be?!

— Father, calm down! I sold it after all.

* * *

— Sarra, as soon as one of us dies I’ll go to Israel.

* * *

Sarra bewails:

— Monya, how could you break a new chair, how could you spoil a new chandelier. No, my heart will break! Could not you find some other place to hang yourself ?

* * *

Sarra suddenly wakes up late at night and nudges her husband:

— Monechka! I hear a mouse squeaking there in the corner!

— What’s the matter? Should I get up in the middle of the night and go to grease it?

* * *

— Sarra, I’ll die soon. I want you to fulfill my last request: you will go on one side of my coffin and let Riva, my last mistress, go on the other side. You know her well.

— You want me to go after your coffin together with this crazy strumpet!.. Well, for the sake of all our long common life I’ll fulfill your request. But you must know that I’ll get no pleasure from this funeral!

* * *

— Hallo, is it FSB? Abram has a machine-gun buried in his garden!..

— Hallo, is it Abram? You owe me a bottle of wine – tonight they will come and dig up all your garden!

* * *

Abram! You know what a good friend I am! If you have some trouble: the bankruptcy of your firm, or crash of your bank, or your house burns down – come to my place. We shall have a good laugh together.

* * *

— Ivan, my friend, I had a nightmare! Imagine, Sophia Loren, Claudia Shiffer, Demi Mur, Pamela Anderson and my wife Sarra struggled for the right to be in bed with me!

— You call it a nightmare! Why?

— Because my Sarra did win after all.

* * *

Monya Rabinovich writes from Italy to his friend Ivan: “I had a chance to visit a museum and to take a photo of me with Apollo. The one who is naked is Apollo”.

* * *

— Abram, what happened? I heard that you divorced the fourth time. Are all women so choosy?

— No… only mother.

* * *

— Abram, how are you? How do you live?

— Terrible.

— Don’t you color the truth?

* * *

— Abram, please lend me one thousand rubles.

— Unfortunately I do not have any money on me.

— And at home?

— At home? At home everything is OK, thank you, everybody is well!

* * *

— Hi, Abram! Glad to see you! How are you!

— Not bad, Monya, thank you.

— And how is your wife Fania, is she healthy?

— G-d safe, everything is well.

— And what about your children? How is the elder one? Such a madcap.

— Yes, yes, children are OK as well.

— And how is your job?

— All the same. Excuse me I must go…

— Wait a minute. Please tell, why when we meet I always ask you about your life and you are never interested in mine?

— Yes, Monya, you are right. Forgive me. How is life?

— Auh, don’t ask me!

* * *

— How much is the taxi to the Red Square?

— One hundred rubles.

— And if I go together with Abram?

— With Abram, without Abram… One hundred rubles.

— Abram, do you hear it? I told you that you are nothing worth!

* * *

— What is good in these “Beetles”? Burring, lisping, mixing the tune.

— Did you hear them?

— No, Abram hummed it to me over telephone.

* * *

— Abram! Do you know the nationality of Mao Dze Dung?

— It can’t be so!

— I tell you!!!

* * *

Monya and Abram were on business trip, when Abram suddenly died. Rabinovich came to his place, rang the door. Abram’s wife opened the door:

— What happened?

— You know, Abram and I were on business trip.

— I know. Why?

— You know, we made good money.

— I guess so. Why?

— Do you know that I squandered all the money in drink?

— What of it?

— And so did Abram…

— Let him croak!

— He already did…

* * *

— Drought. Monya comes to Rabbi and asks for miracle – to make it rain.

— No, says Rabbi, there will be no rain because you have no sufficient faith in G-d.

— Why, Rabbi?

— If you really believed in G-d, you would take an umbrella with you.

* * *

Abram and Monya had a dispute – if black is a color or not. To solve the argument they decided to ask Rabbi. Rabbi looked in Torah and said:

— It says black is a color.

— Aah! So I said – black is a color!

— OK, black is a color. And what about white – is it color or not?

— Torah says that white is a color as well.

Abram says to Monya joyfully:

— Now you see! What did I say?! I sold you COLOR TV.

* * *

Once Monya, being very sad, comes to Rabbi:

— Rebe, I am so poor, so poor. I do not even have milk…

— Well, my son, don’t tell me anything more! Go home and you will have everything.

A few days later Monya again runs to Rabbi:

— Rebe! I have tits and milk in them, but I did not ask you for that!!!

— I can’t help it, my son! It is easier for us to make wonders than to give money.

* * *

— Rebe, please tell me: if you find a suitcase with a million dollars in it, will you return it to the owner?

— Of course, if I know exactly that it belongs to a POOR man.

* * *

Monya came to famous Vilno Rabbi Eliezer and asked what he should do to become a great scientist:

— You must refuse from all pleasant things, but studying. You must bear hunger, cold and misery. And this until you are forty.

— And after that?

— After that you will get used to it.

* * *

— Rebe, how long will it continue? We can not stand it any more!

— Hopefully G-d will not let it to continue as long, as you can stand it.

* * *

Monya and Abram came to Rabbi and asked to solve their controversy. Rabbi listened attentively to the first one and said:

— You are right.

Then the second one set force his arguments. Rabbi listened to him and said:

— And you are right too.

— Listen, how can it be, that both are right?! — Rabbi’s wife cries to him from the kitchen.

— You are also right, Sarra — answers Rabbi.

* * *

— Rebe, tell me please, is it possible to speak with dead ones?

— Yes. But they do not answer.

* * *

Rebe — to Monya Rabinovich:

— You’ve gone mad! Why did you take this dog to a synagogue?

— Rebe, this is a special dog, it can even sing!

The dog began to sing. Rebe – with delight:

— O, vaizmir, it sings so well that it can be a cantor in our synagogue!

— Rebe, I keep saying it to it, but the dog won’t listen to me. It only wants to be a dentist!

* * *

— Rebe, is it true that a sandwich always falls with its butter down?

— Yes.

— Rebe, you will laugh, but my sandwich fell down with its butter up today!

— It can’t be so! – cried Rebe. And after thinking a bit said:

— Good, now I understand! You spread butter on the other side of it.

Monya Rabinovich or “Do you have anything to ask me?”:

* * *

— Is it possible to compare matrimonial life with lottery?

— No, in lottery there is some chance.

* * *

The neighbor came to Monya for advice:

— I have a great trouble! On both sides of my small shop two huge supermarkets were opened! What shall I do?

— Don’t you worry! Just write on the door of your shop with big letters “ENTRANCE”.

* * *

— Monya, how did the Jews live in the Stone Age?

— Not quite well! Just imagine!.. Circumcision… and with a stone axe!

* * *

— At last I read a book where the main positive hero is a Jew! The book is “New Testament”.

* * *

— Rabinovich, do you know what neighbors say about you when you are not at home?

— Oh, when I am not at home, let them even beat me.

* * *

Monya and the whole family are sitting at the table. Suddenly Sarra gives a deep sigh.

— I asked you many times, — Monya reproaches her, — do not speak about politics when the children are about.

* * *

Sarra sees Monya off to a spa:

— Monya, I beg you, do not waste money on anything which you can have free at home.

* * *

Rabinovich at supper. Suddenly a fork falls down from the table. Monya catches it in a quick move and says with relief:

— Safe G-d, nobody will come.

At the same moment the daughter rushes in:

— Father, Mummy got stuck in the lift!

* * *

Monya came home late at night. His wife opened the door shouting angrily:

— What happened? Where have you been?

— No, that’s a lie! Who said it to you?

* * *

Sarra, sobbing, says to her mother over the telephone:

— Mother, it is midnight already, and Monya hasn’t come yet. Perhaps he is with some whore.

— Sarrochka, why do you think the worst? Perhaps he just got in a car crash.

* * *

— Sema, I don’t like three things in your bride.

— What is it?

— Chin.

* * *

Suddenly Monya began to court Cilya, Sarra’s younger sister. His father-in-law was outraged.

— But, father, if, G-d forbids, Sarra dies, will you permit me to marry Cilya then?

— In this case, yes.

— Well? Are you sorry that Sarra is alive?

* * *

— Monya, yesterday I saw a catafalque near the house where your mother-in-law lives.

— Oh, don’t say so! There are 3 hundred apartments. It is such a lottery…

* * *

— Abram, they say your daughter is getting married?

— Yes, she is… by and by.

* * *

The liner is sinking down in the Atlantic ocean. Captain is in panic, and now somebody tells him that there is Monya Rabinovich among the passengers and that he is capable to make miracles. Captain immediately invites Monya and asks:

— Mister Rabinovich, please can you do something?

— Do you have Internet on a boat?

— Yes of course!

— Then you must sell the boat ASAP.

* * *

A woman neighbor:

— If you make this terrible noise playing your piano all day long, I’ll break your window!

Monya:

— Then you will hear me much better.

* * *

— Mister Rabinovich, how can dare you such a thing! I am not a prostitute!

— Did I say anything about money?

(c)Translated by Haverim from the Russian original